I'm going to miss you, Meat Vision!!
Now Playing: Howie Day
Well. Now then. Another entry of the same, did nothing today and can't do anything because my car is brooken and I have to get it fixed tomorrow. Am about $500 in the hole and have $2000 due in rent in 2 weeks. Was supposed to go to dinner with Christine tonight, which I was really looking forward to, and can't because of the car situation. And TV is boring the heck out of me. I have a headache, and I'm complaining a lot (obviously). I took a walk downtown, but it was kind of lame and pointless, as I didn't have a destination and didn't do anything. Tomorrow I was going to go to work, because it looks like its not going to be a heat day tomorrow (finally) but I can't now because of my car. Sigh. I'm tired from not doing anything all day. This is stupid I'm going to stop writing before I complain any more.

How exciting. Another day, TV, Puzzle, cleaning the apartment. Hopefully, the evening will shape up to be better. And tomorrow is Harry Potter day, so that will be fun. OK I have to go now. Actually, I don't have to go anywhere, but this entry is depressing. Later.

2 Days, 15 Hours!
Mood:  down
This has been the most boring couple of days ever. I cannot tell you how bored I have been. Basically, the last few days have been as follows:
I get up, eat breakfast, shower, etc.
I go back to bed.
I wake up a few hours later, eat lunch, check my email, play computer games, run errands.
I talk online to people.
I go back to bed.
I wake up, eat dinner, wander aimlessly around the house a little bit, and feel sorry for myself. I stay up as long as I can convince myself to, and then go back to bed.

This really only started yesterday-- and the day before but last night was really the first night in a few days where I had nothing to do. I'm not one to take being bored lightly-- I hate being bored with every inkling of my soul. I would rather have a million billion things to do than be bored. And its looking as though today will shape up about the same way as yesterday. I can't bring myself to go anywhere-- I don't know why. I mean I could go to the beach and hang out there for awhile, but I don't really think its all that much fun by yourself unless you've got something to read-- which I haven't anymore because I finished a heartbreaking work and now I'm "saving myself" for when Harry Potter comes out on Friday-- Which, by the way, is going to ROCK. I keep thinking about my dad, which is weird because I haven't really been thinking about him a whole lot lately (oh, guilt) but I think now that I'm home, not in Australia anymore I mean, and have time to myself and time for my thoughts, I have been thinking a lot about him. Also because I was reading a heartbreaking work and there's this part about his mom's funeral, and it just reminded me of some moments that I'd rather hoped I'd forgotten. I hate those thoughts. I have this one memory, this one awful heart-shattering wake-me-up-at-night memory of when I was first told about my dad, and that memory is the root of all evil in me. Seriously, if there was a single memory in my body which would turn me evil, that's it-- its anguishing. I've been trying to forget about it for years, to lock it up and away from myself so I don't hurt anymore, so I don't think about it, and sometimes it works, but lately it just hasn't worked. Its just this awful awful memory and I want it to go away, I feel like it tarnishes my brain every time I think of it but yet I can't help thinking of it. And I feel guilty for wanting to get rid of it for some reason, because I feel guilty when I'm not being sad sometimes, its a weird and conflicting feeling but sometimes, you have to convince yourself that its OK to forget about it sometimes. It's OK to live a life without seeping your thoughts in this mud puddle of baggage and heartbreaking memories-- I hope.
So part of the reason I am so bored is because I don't want to be thinking about all this. And I am missing Australia, which I also feel guilty about because I'm not IN australia, I'm here (just like when I was in Australia and was missing here, I felt guilty). And its not the people that I miss so much (though I do miss my friends there), but really its the place in general, being there, the birds there, Wollongong, Uni, the walk to Uni, the Australians, their accents, the laid-back attitude. I might go back there for grad school, if I can afford it, especially since you don't need to take the GRE's to get into school there and so if I flunk those (which is looking more and omre likely) I'll just go to grad school there instead. Seriously.
And I'm tired of being all alone in this big apartment all the time. I think I might have lonliness issues, which is stupid because I've always been one to appreciate alone time, but every time in my life when I've had to be on my own for an extended period of time, I associate it with being miserable for an extended period of time. And I feel bad for Justin and Emily, simply because they're really the only people I know around here, and so they're the only two people I hang out with-- they must feel like all they ever do is talk to me.
And I've been trying this silly no-sugar diet thing, (which I broke yesterday due to some devilish cheesecake things Emily brought over) and I'm hoping that will be good. And it is, and its not as hard as I thought it would be but now I know it's not going to be enough. I have to do more. I hate exersizing though, but really I don't hate exercising-- I used to do it sophomore year and actually I kind of loved it-- I just can't seem to bring myself to start it again. It's because I'm a lazy bum. I just don't feel good about myself anymore (another side effect from getting back from Australia where I felt pretty good about myself the majority of the time I was there) and its getting really boring. I hate feeling this way all the time and it's about damn time I did something about it.
Whoops, got to go-- cably guy is here to install cable. more later I'm sure (since I'll have nothing else to do all day but this).

The best part about moving is that you get to yell,
I am *officially* moved in! I have my own apartment, I have my own apartment! Hoorah! And it feeeeeels so good. I've been seriously considering not returning to work at Petco this summer. I mean, I realize that it's kind of late for decisions like that, but really, I just don't feel like working there anymore. Especially since I know that there is virtually no hope of them putting me in the fish and reptiles department and I'm sick of working the cash register. And I'm sick of uniforms, and managers who reem you out all the time if you don't do something correctly, and monthly meetings, and mandatory stuff, and I am sick of it being the job of certain staff members to intimidate you. I'm just over the retail experience, I think. Anyway, I am going to make this short because *Emily* is here! And we might have SSR time which, if you did not go to school somewhere where you had SSR, means Silent Sustained Reading. I am going to officially start reading "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius" today, and so I'm excited for that. Also, my bedroom in my apartment officially has a futon and a bureau in it! Whoo! OK that's all for today, sorry for the crappy post!
Whoo!
4th of July tomorrow!

The awful truth (or is it really awful?)
I’ve been fighting it all my life. Fighting what, exactly, I’m not sure, all I can tell you is that I know its been a struggle. But who’s life hasn’t been a struggle? I mean just because I grew up with no money, always worrying about it even when I was too young to have to think about those things, and because my mom and dad divorced when I was three, and I constantly lived with the urge to simultaneously satisfy both of their desires and expectations of me at the same time doesn’t mean that my life has been a struggle. And just because, as I grew older, I had to learn to live in a house with no running water, no indoor toilet, and for awhile, no indoor insulation, and then drive 3 and a half hours to another state and convince my other family that it was a lot nicer than it seemed, didn’t make my life a struggle. And just because I had to miss days of school because in the winter time because my driveway was impenetrable with a truck when the snow or sleet was more than a foot high, that certainly doesn’t give me the right to complain about my life as a child. Or in high school, when my family’s monetary hardships made me feel like a constant outcast, and my weight made me feel like no boy would ever love me at an age where it is perhaps most important to feel good about yourself, because my self-image was smaller than my mother’s bank account; that’s no reason to assume that my life has been any harder than anyone else’s. Just because in my freshman year of college, when I was starting to discover myself as a person and forget about life’s hardships, my father died in a motorcycle accident and no one knows why or how doesn’t mean I was different, lots of people have to suffer losses like those. And just because the next year during my sister’s final year of high school, her best friend died in a car accident that brought my entire hometown to tears, myself included, over the loss of an innocent life and my sister’s would-be future college roommate does not give me the right to wallow in self-victimization. And that not even months later, my mother and stepfather began the blows of a bloody divorce, not because they lost their love but because my stepfather lost his mind, and my mother pulled her daughter farther into the depths of knowledge than any daughter should have to go into her mother’s personal life, that doesn’t mean my college years have been any harder than anyone else’s.

And that is what I’ve been fighting against, and why I can’t name what it is that I’ve been fighting against. It’s not a thing, exactly, but a frame of mind, a way of thinking. Of putting myself in every bad situation that has ever happened to me and focusing on them. I don’t like the feeling I get when I have to think about the bad things in my life, and I most certainly did not enjoy writing about them just now. But it happens. And the struggle comes not in stopping my thought processes there, but in that even if I do stop thinking like that, like a victim, a little part of me is always screaming in the farthest corner of my mind, shouting itself hoarse at a tall, sound-proof black wall, that I should feel that way. That I deserve to feel this way, to be treated better or to have life easy because look at all the bad things that have happened to me. Look at all the struggle I’ve had to go through. And I hate that voice. I try as hard as I can to drown it out, put it away, give it laryngitis. But somehow it gets through. And as the struggles in life get harder, more adult, the voice gains confidence, and says, “See! See? Your life has been harder than theirs; why haven’t you been given everything on a silver platter? You see! I’m right! You are deserving of their utmost respect, and you are deserving of every ounce of decency every human being on the face of the planet has, simply because your life has been hell for as long as you can remember!” I hate that voice!

However, there is a voice in my head that I love. The sweet, singing charm in the front of my head, near my third eye, which says, ‘but your life has been splendid. You grew up living on a farm with 70 acres of woods to play in, as many animal companions as you could ever want; you could wander about carelessly, naked if you wanted. You learned to motivate yourself for everything you dreamed of, you learned to take in information and process it in a way which no one else can claim, you became an independent thinker because the money you didn’t have only drives people to think like everybody else. You learned to love everyone and everything, you learned to find something you’re passionate about and go for it. You were in the top 10 of your graduating class, you always knew that if you worked for it, you would achieve it. You went to the perfect university, with the most amazing friends and support group (as needed) that you could find anywhere. You watched your little brother say his first word, and have watched him grow into an 11-year old boy with a mind of his own and, like you, an ear for the saxophone and a head for science. You went to Australia for an entire semester, to study and make new friends and discover how wonderful life can be, even when you start from scratch. And you formed relationships, lasting ones, with everyone you love, and are seen as a wonderful friend, daughter, sister, or person wherever you go.’

And that’s why I love that voice. It’s the sanity in my head, the angel on my shoulder, the part of me which knows why I do the things I do. The part of me which, though it can’t answer my questions, can give me the confidence to find the answers on my own. The other voice, the bad voice, that’s the voice that society wants me to listen to, that’s the voice that Hitler and Saddam Hussein and John Wilkes Booth listened to. They want me to give up, they say if I go to school and get a decent job and get married and just do what I’m told, I’ll get what I finally deserve, my society will pay me back for the things I have lost in my troubled life by giving me a retirement community in Florida to live in.

So the devil sits on my right shoulder, dressed in seductive costume, whispering demeaning comments in my ear whenever something goes wrong, causing me to lose my temper when the truck driver in front of me is going 40 miles an hour on the highway, causing me to sink into tears when I see a photograph of my father that I’ve never seen before, and making me feel like I need to do all the things the other girls do to “be attractive.” On my left shoulder, shouting a lot louder but somehow always needing encouragement to keep shouting, is my angel, my true soul, which does not tell me the things I wish to hear but the things I need to hear. Which instills in me a confidence, which makes me aware of the true nature of my devil, which rips it out of its handsome disguise and shows it to me for what it really is; an old, gnarly, warty man in a business suit, aging faster by the minute and gaining power with my every negative thought. It is the constant battle between good and evil, made so much more unfair because evil has the upper hand, since the society I live in and the hard-wiring in my brain make negative thoughts more easy to come by than positive ones. I can’t end this by simply tuning out the devil on my right shoulder, as would seem to be the simplest answer. The devil will always find new and intriguing ways to disguise itself, to draw my attention away from my soul and drag me into a pool of dark emotion from which it takes a powerful light to draw me away from it. But I have been fighting it; as long as I am willing to see the devil for what it really is, to learn to recognize its beguiling ways, and to learn to identify it on other people’s shoulders too, I’ll fight it.

Oh my god it's really over
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: um, the air conditioner?
I can't believe that it really is over. For real-- like, there's none left. I'm not in Australia anymore. I won't be for a very (VERY) long time. I miss my friends like crazy, I miss Weerona heaps, and as for Uni and Wollongong-- well there are few places on the earth as beautiful.
Well I can say tht being home has definetly opened my eyes to the amount that I have changed in the last few months- and how has it done that, you wonder? Because everything I see seems to have changed a little bit. Every place, every person, every relationship-- whether it be for the better or worse-- and as not EVERYTHING could have possibly changed in 5 months, I must then assume that I have changed.
But how have I changed? I feel more adult, that is definite-- I don't feel like I have to run my decisions in life by everyone to verify that they're good decisions, or that they're OK with everyone. What do I care if everyone approves of my decisions-- they're my decisions!! Also, I think i am seeing more of people than I used to--I read a little differently between the lines. I'm not sure what i mean by that, exactly, except that there is something different, a quality to my familial conversations in particular which has changed-- a new understanding, perhaps, on their part that I am an adult? Though I don't think that's the case with my entire family-- there are definitely people who maybe don't see me as more of an adult, through no fault of anyone's but my own-- my failture to make them see me as an adult is not their fault. But I feel detached, somehow, from the familial sense of things-- don't get me wrong, i love my family very much and that is something which will never change-- but the knowledge that I can live on the other side of the planet without calling them every night, without worrying all the time, as an adult is new to me-- yes, I've been living on my own for a few years now, but I've always been within a few hours or every member of my immediate family. I don't know how to describe it, exactly, except that it is a new self-knowledge that maybe they can see somehow.
Also, another thing that has changed is something about me which I have always had but recently ignored-- and that is my spirituality. I mean,its never really left me, I've always believed the same thing, but somehow while I was down under a part of me like, woke up I think. I started having pretty lucid dreams like 3 times more often, and I don't really know how to describe it except as a new daily awareness of myself as a whole being-- an entity, a god, instead of thinking of myself as two thing-- a body/person and a god that I was the same as but separate from. This may not make any sense, but while I've always thought of myself as a God on some level, I've always made an invisible border between the God me and the physical me, like that my god me would help the physical me. This, I realized, while still allowing me to control my own reality by telling my god what I wanted to do, also made me feel just as lazy as I feel most religious people are-- to leave my fate in the hands of an entity which, even though I told myself was me, was really seperate from me in my mind and that's al it takes. I think there was, at some point, the realization what I am the god that I "pray" to; there is no seperation there. Think it, and it will be-- the principle has always worked, now it has to work with my having the knowledge that it originates with me and not with a god outside myself.
What else has changed about me? A lot of that I find that I can't answer, but instead find that the close people around me can identify it better than I. Its funny what little things people pick out for me to be different. I guess the biggest one would be the one that Justin managed to point out, that of confidence, or something like it. Being in Australia did give me a boost of confidence that I think i carry around with me, even if its not a great boost, I think some is better than none. This is going to sound like typical girl crap, but I don't feel like I'm an overweight mess anymore-- for awhile in the winter I always feel like I am the ugliest thing on the face of the planet, and of course that leads me to the inevitable thought of who (of the opposite sex) would ever want to get to know me when I look so nothing like the girls with boyfriends? But actually, its taken me this long (yes, I'm 20, and it's taken me until now) to realize that that is a really messed up way of thinking. I mean, besides having Australia be a boost to my self-esteem (having a few guys buy you drinks or talk to you at a bar will have that effect), its shown me that attractiveness is such a relative thing. I mean maybe not in the world of models and superstars, where you have to be above 5'7" and under 110 pounds, but in the eyes of individual people. And now I feel stupid for having written all of that-- why does whoever's reading this want to know that-- it'll probably be especially embarrasing if my family reads it-- but I must fight the urge to erase the last 20 lines and continue.
Anyway. Onward. Enough about that subject. It's weird how no one seems to understand (pr want to understand) what the australian experience was really like. I mean, when I first see someone, its typically a few moments where they encourage me to tell them as much as I can about Australia-- this can last from 15 minutes to an hour or two-- and then the oddest thing happens-- the subject drops. It's like, now that I've talked about Australia a little, I'm kind of expected not to talk about it anymore. And that's fine, I can't talk forever, nor do I want to, but then I bring something up again and the person is only half listening, and then I mention something else from my trip and unless its of personal value to them, the person I'm talking to just nods and says a response they think is appropriate. And pictures. Oh my god. I think I'm the only person that they're interesting to. I mean that's fine, but people ask to see my pictures and they don't realize that i've got over 1000 of them on my computer-- it's hard to narrow it down to only 50 or 100 pictures that are supposed to represent my whole trip! Actually, I'd say its impossible! From what I've heard from the other Weeronians who have returned home, its the same for them-- its just hard to try to make people understand 5 months of an incredible experience when you can tell that they don't really want to hear "all about Australia" even if they say they do, that they're a little bit jealous that you got to go and they didn't, and that even if they did want to hear about the whole thing, you couldn't because the only way they could understand is by taking them back in time with you and having them live the 5 months with you.
Well anyway, I think this entry is entirely long enough for now, and so I am going to sign off. This monitor is really fuzzy and my eyes hurt, so I'm gonna go to bed and watch TV land.

P.S. I really am glad to see everyone, this is mainly just a wenting page.

OMG its almost over
I can't believe I just finished my last week of classes. It came and went so quick! It's weird to think that Monday I won't be getting up at 8 am to go to ecology lab... or tuesday, or wednesday, or thursday... its very bittersweet. I mean, I am excited to come home, I do miss everyone like mad, so I'm kind of excited about that-- that's the thing I should start focusing on, I guess. I'm going to miss everyone so much-- I've started, like, putting people's departure dates on my calendar and stuff... well anyway. It's 11 am, time to call mom.
Not there. Well, I guess that's an opportunity for me to write some more here.
Woolshed is coming up tomorrow-- THAT is going to be a blast. Seriously. We all go out to Yallah (no idea where that is) dressed in feral clothes (like, texas townie clothing)and get some dinner and get smashed, as a college (dorm). I'm so excited to get some awesome pics and have a last bash with everyone.

oh boy oh boy oh boy. What else. Nothing. have papers to write. These entries have been becoming more and more superficial over the last few weeks, I think because I've been more stressed and emotionally distracted, so I haven't been able to put as much into writing, here or in my journal, as I usually do.
OK. I'm going to go do something... for awhile. like watch homestar or an episode of the simpsons. later.

Rachel's Tuesday To-Do List
Mood:  on fire
To Do:
1. Return Ella Enchanted to the movie place
2. Eat Lunch (preferably not spinach soup-- ew)
3. Read Australian Studies essays
4. Begin Australian Studies essay research
5. begin molecular biology notebook
6. begin ecology scientific report
7. Return Sheena's camera and Emily's 20 Q ball
8. try very hard not to get distracted or to procrastinate!

Ella Enchanted... twice in one day?
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Strange Magic-- by ELO
I am the single biggest dork in the entire universe. Just thought I'd let everyone in on that... because only the biggest dork in the entire universe would spend her entire afternoon watching Ella Enchanted on her laptop... and then watching it again after seeing all the special features. That's over 4 hours of Ella Enchanted. And so, I rest my case: I am a huge dork.

With that out of the way, I realize that the last entry in this blog thing was forever ago, and it turns out that while for a few days anyway this was a good way of documenting my trip, once your laptop breaks and has to go out for repairs, all of a sudden it's not quite so useful anymore. But, I got my laptop back last week, and so its high time I update this thing, even though the majority of my adventures in Australia are complete.

The last couple of weeks (as well as, I'm sure, the next couple of weeks will be) have been a mixture of all kinds of crazy emotions. I've been having a fantastic time with all of my friends and such, and I've been getting loads of schoolwork done, but I keep going through emotional rollercoasters of all different sorts. Not only am I dreading leaving this place AND looking forward to seeing everyone at home at the same time, but I'm dreading going back to the real world, and I know that its going to be incredibly difficult to leave this place, and the saddest thing to think that I'll never return here. I mean, even if I do someday come back here to visit, it won't be the same-- all of my friends won't be here at the same time, and some of them I can probably expect never to see again in my life; period. And I know I shouldn't be complaining at all, so few people have had this experience at all (though according to australian census, 200,000 americans every year fill up universities here), so I should just shut up about it.

I am really looking forward to seeing everyone at home again though. I spoke to Hayley and Kelsey on the phone, and it was awesome and sad at the same time; the more I speak to people at home, the more I miss them. At the same time, I always want to talk to them-- its a vicious cycle which will soon be remedied in the most vicious way.

Anyway, I just took a 2-hour long break in this entry to go out to dinner with about 15 people-- it's Audrey's birthday. Lots of fun-- and I don't want to think anymore about what happens in a month... so I won't. I guess that means this is it for now-- time to go watch the short film festival and play some card games!

Ciao!

First blog entry in what seems like months
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Nothing, since I have to write this in the computer lounge!
Hola!

It's been forever since I last wrote, but this will have to be a bare-bones entry because it is very chilly in the computer lab.

First news: I had to send my laptop away. It was quite annoying, but the battery stopped working and I had to send it to the Toshiba people to fix it, and now I'm stuck without it for a week hopeing that they don't do anything to destroy the hundreds of pictures that I have on it and don't have saved anywhere.

Second news: I have located on my right tonsil a white spot. I kind of realize this sounds a lot like Hayley's bout of Freshman and Sophomore years, but I'm not really feeling sick-- I just have this white spot that is raised in the back of my throat and I can feel it. And I can only imagine what it is-- strep? But my throat is not hurting. So I have no clue.

Third news: I am sucking in school right now. My grades have been pretty damn bad, and I am ashamed of the work I have bene handing in. Most of it, if handed in at home, would have indefinetly recieved better grades, but here, whether it be to culture differences in grading, or to this being a harder school (my friend Megan and I have decided that UOW is like the Harvard of Australia) I don't know. So I'm going to really have to step up the pace on my studies, and it's just not a very pleasant thought.

Fourth news: I had an AWESOME easter trip!! I'm too lazy to write about it all now, partly because I'm in the computer lab and partly because I'm still sleepy from my nap, but in short: amazing. Saw the outback, I think that was my favorite part, climbed a mountain, swam in the most beautiful beaches, saw more wildlife than I ever could have hoped, and spent a LOT of time travelling on the bus, which I didn't really mind for most of the trip because it gave me the opportunity to read Angels and Demons-- which was pretty good. But now, the downside is, I have finished all the books that I brought with me and all the books it has been suggested I read seem to be absent from the bookstores and library. Hrmmph. But I should really be doing schoolwork anyway, so I suppose I'll get over it. But back to my trip: it kicked some serious arse. And that's all I'll say about it for the moment.

And I decorated my dorm room today with some pictures I'd forgotten I'd brought with me, of the house, Mom, Dad, Christine, Bridget, the Quad (and associates) and Jonny. So my shelves, anyway, are a nice reminder from home now.

I don't know why I'm still so tired today. I haven't done anything all day long, and still I just took a two hour nap and I want to go upstairs and sleep some more! Perhaps I really am getting sick and my body is telling me something. Or else I'm just looking for an excuse not to do homework.

Well, that's going to be it for now, nont my usual style of entry but informative and relatively short, but I'm freezing now and I'm going to go outside to the barbecue and eat supper.

Mixed feelings
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Movin' Out (Billy Joel)
I'm not really sure how I'm feeling today-- it was nice to have a dat where I didn't really have to do anything, and didn't. I watched movies all day and literally, that's all I did. And it was wonderful. But then I also wrote a letter to Chris which was really a hard thing to do, because this whole thing has gotten ridiculously out of hand. It's to the point where he is literally calling my mom names and blaming him for the divorce, when he's the one who filed for it to begin with! Not to mention, he cheated on her, moved out of the house, then refused to speak to her in any meaningful way for... let's see, over a year now? He honestly has no grounds for blaming my mom, I mean I realize that I'm not an expert on their relationship but I know enough about life to know when someone is trying to pass the blame. So it's a conflicting time for me. Plus, I heard that Vavo isn't doing very well, and it makes me really sad. I mean, I haven't seen her in such a long time, and she was always so sweet to me, and my mom. And I literally can't do anything about it. Grandma Dewey has made it so that everyone thinks I hate them or something, she thinks that just because on ONE DAY that was already nerve-wracking I didn't come over to say hello, that I am this bad person and that I have like, renounced them or hurt them in some big way. She never thinks how much it sucks for ME that my step-father and his family have just cast aside myself and my mother, after I have known them for most of my life. I shouldn't have to be the adult in this situation, I mean I'm an adult but these are my grandparents. I don't think its up to me to make the first move here. But Grandma Dewey sent such a nasty note to my mom about her "getting lost" and not seeing vavo, and it was all just so painful. They seem to have completely forgotten any sense of family that we had, and instead have somehow scapegoated this whole thing so that it's my mom's fault. Explain to me how you can blame someone who's husband cheated on her, wouldn't talk to her, moved out, and continually hurts her in any way he can? ESPECIALLY since Grandma Dewey went through a similar situation. But, just goes to show how willing some people are to pass the blame and not think for themselves, because if they thought for themselves, they might just see that their precious son is in the wrong, and then their whole world might come crashing down.

Well, that's it for now, I have to go get my laundry.

The internet hath returned (finally)
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Emily's mix that she made on my computer!
Yay! I can finally go back to writing online and emailing and talking on AIM on a regular basis! I missed the internet something wicked, and so I'm very glad to have it back now. And I will make quick use of it before condemning myself to nothing but homework for the next 72 hours.

I have begun preliminary preparations for a trip to Tasmania for the weekend before ANZAC day (April 25), and I'm still trying to decide what I'm going to do there and where I'm going to go. There are a few tours few STA travel that I could go on and that would probably be pretty amazing, for about $400 for the 3 days, and that includes travel, entrance to parks, and accomadation. And plane tickets would be around $200 round trip. Plus spending money and meals, so we'll see. I really do want to go to Tasmania, but I'm wondering if I can find things to do there without taking the tour. I'm trying to be as frugal as possible because I also want to take a trip up to Cairns to see the Great Barrier Reef at some point and that IS an expensive trip. So we'll see how that goes.

Also, I was accepted into the program to go to Costa Rica over winter break, the only downside being that now I have to decide if I'm actually going to go. I don't really think I can afford it, (actually I know I can't afford it) and I could ask for the money, but it is kind of pricey for a two-week thing, and there's the possibility that I would be gone for Christmas, so I don't know if I should just decline and maybe go next summer or something. Another thing that I'll have to play by ear, not that I have any idea what would change between now and any time when I would decide to go, but I think that I feel that by putting the thought out there, and saying I'd like to find a way to go, I can somehow manifest that. So, as I said, we'll see.

And I went caving this past weekend. And it was AMAZING. One of the most fun things I have ever done, seriously. I can't even really describe it, except to tell you as much about it as I can. I just loved the idea that it was so dark down there, and that it takes so many hundreds of thousands of years (and more) to create these huge caves, which just happen to sometimes be big enough for a human to fit through them. And that's another thing- the fitting through them. You really have to push yourself, and trust not only the person spotting you but also trust yourself to make it successfully through the hole or over the cliff without falling, and I also really quite enjoyed the challenge of getting out of holes, where you had to kind of think about how you were going to life yourself our of this 10-foot deep hole without hurting yourself, especially since years upon years of water flowing and people using the soft limestone to hold themselves up has made almost every foot and handhold you can find slicker than... well I won't say snot on a doorknob because that's Hayley's expression, but it makes them very smooth and shiny. and I think my favorite part was in the first cave, when they just let us go to it and try to find our way around, and explore and see what we could find, and it was just so cool to shine your headlamp in a corner and find a hole just big enough to squeeze through, and on the other end was a room big enough to put a house in. And you could find these little places to climb up (some had ladders) and find ceramic clay on a rock that's been there for who knows how long. You could literally pick it up and mould it into whatever shape you wanted, it was better than the kind you buy in the store or use in elementary school arts and crafts. The idea of just walking around a hundred feet underground in the dust and the dark and not knowing what you're going to find just really appealed to me, I keep exploring and looking around until it got to the point where I was actually picked first to be on a team because I was such an "explorer," and not afraid to see what was on the other end of something, or to find what was behind that rock, or to climb up those rocks to the overlook at the top. I really must say I enjoyed that.

And the second cave was also quite a challenge, and I liked that about it too. I never considered myself a claustrophobic person, but you'll be surprised how quickly you get nervous when you can feel stone on both sides of your body and realize that your head is going to have to stay in that position because you don't have enough room to move it up, and you can only move by kicking your feet little by little and scooting down the rock. There were a few times where I thought I was going to get stuck, not because I wouldn't fit but because I was exhausted from the first cave already and I didn't think my muscles were going to push me up any longer. But they do, and once you get to the top (or the bottom, depending on where you're going) it is just an amazing feeling. Like I said, nothing I could say would ever accurately describe it, but you'll just have to trust that I had a fantastic time and I am definetly hoping to di it again.

Well, I've got an insane amount of homework to do this week, I had a presentation today, I have a poster to put together with a group of people to finish by Wednesday, not to mention the paper that I have due Thursday and the 40-minute, three question "quiz" I have Thursday morning also. I've finished the presentation, and I got some books out of the library for the poster, and I'm going to try and finish the paper (and start it, actually) tonight, so that when Wednesday comes I can focus on studying for Thursday morning's quiz. Then, you can be assured that Thursday night's going to be a lot of fun because we have the masquerade ball (for which I still have no costume) that night and I'm looking forward to it. THEN, SUNDAY I am leaving for *spring break* and headed for adelaide. I am just SO STOKED, and I am really glad that I'm getting a break soon because in a couple of days I am going to be really burnt out.

Well, I think that's about everything for now, I should start writing my paper (or at least, form an outline and my thoughts on it) and get some of this work I've been talking about for a week done. :-)

WAR
Mood:  irritated
It's official: I am at WAR with Chariot Netconnect.

Freaking internet company has had me offline for 5 days now and when I can call them to see what the problem is, they don't answer their phone. I didn't pay them so that they could act like a bunch of asses and charge me money for a service they won't give me. I MISS MY INTERNET ACCESS and it's PISSING ME OFF. I want to be able to check my email from my room, I want to have AIM, and I want to be able to do what I want to. I wrote them a letter, I sent them an email, and I have been trying to call them for two days. And yet, NOTHING. I cannot access the internet and it is really freaking annoying.

I hate fucking Chariot and their lazy-ass company policies.

Good Day.

(The only) short entry
Mood:  incredulous
This is going to be a short entry, the only one of its kind, a rarity in the world of rachel's blog. however, since the internet connection in my dorm room is being fickle, I feel I must explain my blog absence as of lately. Well, actually I guess I just did. the internet is being fickle in my room. tomorrow, Speedlink will be getting a very angry call from me about why I keep getting kicked offline as soon as it isn't business hours for them anymore-- it is very frustrating. Anyway, I promised to keep this short, but I will be back to regular entries as soon as the internet company decides to honor the money I paid them with the serivce they promised.

A Short History of Rachel's Day
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: New Slang-- The Shins (best song ever)
For lack of a better emoticon, I choose chillin', though I'm not really chillin, I'm just not any of the things on that list (though-- is "d'oh" really an emotion? It seems worthy of an emoticon, apparently, to the blog people anyway) right now. I'm not in a bad mood, but I'm not energetic like yesterday. I guess I'm feeling... pensive. Yeah, I think so. You ever get these particular moods that are so familiar to you because they come up pretty often, but you can never quite put your finger on what they mean? I'm feeling familiar with myself, this feeling that comes up when I'm thinking about stuff, and sometimes this is the mood where I feel like, if I was going to write anything, or do anything creative, this is when I would do it; but, since I have no creative outlets, I usually end up reading a book and listening to sappy music.

But anyway, I'm feeling decent. I went to the conference for that Costa Rica thing I mentioned yesterday-- and I really want to go, I submitted an application today-- but the cost is AUD$1400. Which is american is about 1,200, which isn't that bad, and I can go for two weeks in winter break instead of the summer, which would be amazing, but I don't know, somewhere along the line when they were giving the presentation I lost steam. And it's not because I don't want to go, but more like because I know I don't have the resources to finance it or to justify going. I'm already really concerned about rent next year, and over the summer, and I'm already really concerned about the fact that as of right now, I have about $750 in my bank acocunt and I'm going to be living here for another three months-- I couldn't live in Durham for that much, let alone live and travel in a foreign country! It's all very nerve-wracking.
But the costa rica thing is cool, if I went I could be either helping out sea turtles or helping feed hummingbirds, which would be pretty amazing. And I checked out the peace corps website-- and decided it's not really my thing. I mean, I would *love* to take a year off and do some conservationalist stuff, but not the stuff they consider conservationalism. I mean, it's conservation, but not what I want to do-- I want the hands-on, knitty-gritty kind of work that nobody ever thinks about. I want to be in the forest during fires rescuing animals from being burnt, or relocating animals that are in danger because something stupid we humans did destroyed its habitat. And I guess that's a lot of people's secret dreams, and probably why I watch and admire people like Jeff Corwin, because to me, they are making the difference. They are not only educating people about it, but DOING something about this mess that we are creating on our planet. I was in my Australian studies class today and the professor was talking about how after world war one they would give the returning soldiers parcels of land to farm, on the mandatory commitment that they clear-cut the land and "make it look like they're doing something with it." And she told us how much of the Australian bush and environment were wiped out, and it just made me so sad. And its happening everywhere, and as corny as it sounds, all of a sudden I was aware of all of the trees being cut down at that moment in brazil, and all of the forest fires being set by carelessness, and all of the crazy things that we as a race are doing to our planet at every waking moment and that none of us think about because if we do, then we have to accept the realization that evevntually, we're going to run mother earth out of its resources, and we'll have nothing, and it will be all our fault. And EVERYONE will be responsible, not only those who actually did the cutting, but those who sold the timber, those who drove gasoline-powered cars, those who ate the fish that came from the seas that were fished to extinction, those who sold the merchandise, and on and on, and there will be nothing we can do about it. And sometimes I feel like even if we started right now, and all of a sudden everyone on earth was hit with a sudden sense of compassion, there would be nothing we could do to reverse the effects we've created. And we're way too attached to our ways of living to consider that they might be fatally wrong. And so that's just a few of the thoughts that crossed my mind as I listened to my professor talk about Australia, and I remembered the acre after acre of clear-cut land filled with cattle and sheep that I had seen a few weeks ago that all used to be pristine wildlife full of so many amazing flora and fauna.

And I refuse to say that it's hopeless, even though essentially I just did, because that would be admitting defeat (and those of you who know me know that there are few things in life I hate more than having to admit defeat). It does make me a little hopeful when I see other people whos goals it is to make a difference in the world, in some way. I respect that (and identify with it) and it makes me feel really good when I hear someone say that no matter what, they WILL someday make it and what they make will be fantastic, and have an impact in whatever way you'd expect. And I know surprisingly many of those people, from my circle of friends, my mother, my superiors, and even indirectly through literature and media (is literature a kind of media? I don't think so, at least not in my mind, except for newspapers and magazines. But anyway.) and so I know there are a lot of us out there. It's just a matter of keeping all of these people on track and encouraging them to do so, and I feel like therein lies the rub. The ways of the world really do try very hard to make you feel like you'll never make a difference, and try to make you give up and accept an alternative fate. Look at the "american dream," for example, to use a stereotype that has been both idolized and criticized for years. Grow up, marry, have children, work a day job. They even give tax breaks to people who have accomplished any part of this, as if to encourage it in every possible way. And in so many countries, too, not just the US, though that's definetly where it is the worst and has gone on a crazy rampage throughout its people. Mass schools, mass TV, mass media, mass opinions, think like us, eat like us, look like us, talk like us-- make sure everyone loses their sense of individuality and eventually you will find a society which has rid itself of those pesky innovators. And though there are a few institutions that are there to support being amazing, (Nobel association, for example), they are hyped up so much that their goal is to make people feel like they could never acocmplish something like that, and therefore shouldn't try to. And, in short, that is what pisses me off about... everything.

Whoa, talk about stream of consciousness writing. Seriously. I guess I'm done for now, though I don't know who's going to read this because it's like lecturing people on who they are, and it's really boring to read, but let me tell you, it feels REALLY GOOD to write it. I DEFINETLY like the freedom of writing out my thoughts every day in a manner that is amost able to keep up with the speed of my thoughts (writing in my journal with pen required thought because I can only write so fast-- this, I can do almost at the same speed as I think it, which is why these things get so long in such a short period of time-- whoa this is long).

SO I'm going to stop writing for today, and save my work, and send it out into the void, and maybe somewhere someone will read it and it WILL make a difference.